All of my entries fall under the category of "recovery".  There, of course, is a reason for this.  I am trying to keep focused.  I want my recovery to be the center of all that I do. 

 

It's hard for me because it seems that I'm the only one taking this seriously here at the house.  I need to be emerced in something for it to work.  I'm one of those folks who needs to be deep into something before I find myself in it.  And I really want to be that way with my recovery.  The girls here though, they seem to be content to just "be clean" and I know that, for me, that will never be enough.  That will not work for me.

 

And it's sad for me to feel so all alone in this.  But I guess, I always have been alone.  Drugs just allowed me the delusion of feeling like I belonged and was wanted.  But the truth is, they only want sleep, drugs and some social things that take place in the middle of a crowd.  They don't want to talk to me, spend time with me.  They just don't get me.

 

Sometimes, I don't even get myself. 

 

But I know that I'm not all that bad.  I am a pretty good person, actually.  I just need to believe in myself more.  I have to spend some time thinking on that.  I am worth the time and meditation required to find myself in a positive light.  I am someone who matters.

 

I am.

 

Really. 

I finished my writting for step four today.  It's several pages long.  I read it back to myself and I really feel as though I've laid down some personal and powerful stuff on that paper.  I still need to find a sponsor.  I don't know who else I wlll work step five with.  I think it's best if we keep each other out of it as far as the roommates are concerned.  I want someone "other".

 

I feel naked and raw today.  I'm sure it's because of the level of truth I've uncovered for this step work.  I feel like I have been revealed to myself for the first time.  Don't get me wrong, I pretty much knew everything that I said in those pages, but they somehow seem more real now that I have written them down and confessed them to myself instead of just blindly "understanding" them.

 

I am turning into something undefinable and new.  I am aching to be a rock star butterfly and not this wet dog socialite.  I know what I mean.  Do you?  ;-)

 

Throughout your day, you will come across different situations that range from frustrating to just plain unfair.  There is no way of living a life without stress.  The key to being happy isn't to find a way around the trying moments.  The key is to find a way to minimalize their negative effects. 

 

The first step in this process is to think positively.  You need to take the situation for what it is.  Can you learn something about yourself, someone else or even something about how the world works from this situation?  No matter how upsetting or unfortunate this moment is, if you can learn from it then you are just that much further ahead of where you were to begin with.  If we keep our hearts and minds open to the possibility within each occurance, we are making ourselves available to the knowledge that is contained within the particular elements that make up this current delemma.  

 

Life is all about being open to the possiblities.  Don't limit your options by being cold, crude or negative in anyway.  You owe yourself a better shot at happiness than that.  And there is no way to secure that positive outcome without first realizing and being grateful for each moment as it happens, whether is a fun and pleasant occurance or one of our more trying entanglements. 

 

So remember that you have options in regards to how you deal with each moment.  You can really make a difference in how your day goes just by taking in the minutes in a more positive way. 

 

Just for today, be unafraid of making mistakes.  Learn from the things that don't go your way.  Decide for yourself that no matter what happens, you're going to be OK.  And that while you can't control the world, you can control the part you play in it.  Just for today, think positive!

    

     Recovery is a state of mind.  It is a principle.  We can recover if we put ourselves in the hands of our higher power.  The twelve steps are not all that we need to concern ourselves with, but we do need to admit that we are weak and unable to control the addiction that has brought us to this lowly point.  We can only be helped if we allow our God to come into our hearts and minds.  We can be delieverd from this mess we've created if we have faith.  We need faith in our God and in ourselves.  And we also need to believe that other addicts who are recovering can be wise and supportive friends who can offer us a warm and positive environment to learn, heal and grow.

     It's important to see other recovering addicts in a healthy and respectable light.  If things work out, the best we can ever hope to be is a recovering addict and it would be a great loss to think that we couldn't ever measure up in the end even with all of our hard work and devotion.

     I am currently working the steps of my recovery.  I am a member of NA and I also go to a local methadone clinic for medication and therapy.  I see how methadone is a drug and I do hope to be free of that dependance soon.  But in the meantime, it helps me to have some space between me and my addiction so that I can work on the other issues that lead to my drug use in the first place. 

     I am unsure of what I want out of this blog.  I don't know if I want it to be personal and private or open to the public.  I do have another blog that I recently set-up for my recovery work, so this one might be able to be an out reach.  Or I just may want yet another forum for my own private thoughts and ideas.  We shall see.

     Either way, if anyone is reading this, please take good care of yourself.  If you are an addict of anything, you can recover if you want to.  Only if you want to.  And NA is always there to support you in your efforts.  But whatever you choose, be strong and know that I am keeping you in my prayers.